Case Study on Adultery #3: If a husband is in school, obtaining a Masters Degree in order to pursue his dream and life long calling; what would motivate and justify his wife to take the 1 year tuition money held in savings that is already designated to such an endeavor and give it to one of her guy-friends simply because he desires to go to a questionable rinkydink college where he will possibly obtain an equally questionable degree. What is going on in such an extra-marital relationship that would justify a wife placing her husband’s calling at risk for the sake of another man’s desires? Is it better to sacrifice the dreams of a spouse for the sake of a friend, or is there something deeper and perhaps adulterous in the willingness of a wife to sacrifice the dreams of her spouse for the dreams of another man? Such pondering may never see an answer, yet it seems to me that something deeper underlies the simple act of helping a friend out. If the wife already exhibits a habitual propensity towards adulterous relationships, averaging one every two years, while having herself confessed to various people of her lack of self-control in such relationships in various instances, then this is perhaps the probable sign of yet another adulterous relationship in a long ongoing problem of adultery.  

Your friend approaches you with an issue concerning his wife. His wife has had a history of getting herself into emotionally adulterous relationships, and seems to exhibit a lack of control in this area. He is certain that she has started another such relationship with a man at his church. She has confessed to one of his friend’s wives that she has indeed been in an emotionally adulterous relationship with this man, though it has not reached the point of physical adultery. Apparently this is her excuse to continue the relationship and an attempt to justify it as being ok. Your friend has confronted this man on the issue, informing him of his negative influence on his already strained marriage, as well as requesting that this man stop giving his wife gifts, acts of service, and one-on-one spiritual and emotional support.

Unfortunately, the marriage has fallen apart, and this man continues to give gifts and acts of service, and other such close support to your friend’s wife, and the wife continues to seek the same despite her admitted emotionally adulterous relationship with this man and the failure of her marriage.

You know that you cannot control the actions of another person. You can only do what is right in your own actions and thoughts.

Should your friend confront the man for the sake of his integrity which by now has been destroyed?

Should your friend confront his wife for the sake of her integrity and possibly to restore his marriage?

Should your friend be satisfied knowing that he has done all he can possibly do, and that his wife and this man have both chosen to follow paths to destruction that he has no control over?

What do you do when a friend’s spouse that you do not know all too well decides to confess to you that they have been in an emotionally adulterous relationship? This confession is awkward to you because you do not know this person too well having primarily been friends with her husband. What makes it all the more perplexing is that this person, who has confessed of this emotionally adulterous relationship, has been repeatedly guilty of this problem with several men throughout the course of her marriage. Yet, this person constantly projects this guilt onto her husband and accuses him of having such affairs, while often normalizing and minimizing her own guilt, even misinterpreting scripture so as to excuse her own guilt. What do you say to this person?

Do you point out the adulterous affair they are having and advise them that they need to stop?

Do you point out the hypocrisy and advise her to stop judging her husband for the fears that she projects onto him that have been generated out of her own guilt?

Do you point out that your friendship with this person has not yet developed beyond the initial introductory phases and advise her to make such confessions in a clinical setting, as this person clearly has issues with the basic function and understanding of relationship development?